Hi there. I don't really know if I should be writing to you. I don't have many nice things to say. And I suppose is not really that cool to get an email in which someone you barely know is bitching about well... everything. I don't even know if this is your personal email account or just the one you use to work.
Been trying to understand who was I talking to in my mind last night when I couldn't sleep (no matter how damn tired I was) and at some point my thoughts began to speak in english. Then I thought it was probably to you, and tried to understand why it was so. Maybe it is because you're the one person I know that lives in the other half of the world and knows absolutley nothing about my country. Then I know that you don't deserve to hear about its shit. But more important, and though we've only met twice, maybe it is because I felt free and respected when I was with you, and I really miss that feeling lately.
You see, Argentina has been collapsing on itself lately in a way that is scary. I've seen it outlive crisis after crisis since I can remember, but now it feels different. (I don't know, it might be because I'm grown up now, but people older than me talks about that feeling too). Like we're breathing the change of an era, like its all going to hell for real this time.
A while ago I was at this manifestation in defence of public university, because some teachers were repressed and imprisoned yesterday while they were doing a peaceful protest for their rights at the capitol. And that police repression was the latest one in a serie of disgusting events: last week in the province next to mine there was another repression in this public diner for kids, and a woman that worked there was beaten so hard that she lost her pregnacy. Around the same days a girl went missing in a little town near by and later her body was found near a route. She had been raped and killed by a man that they found right away, because he lived on the same town and had been convicted twice for being a serial rapist. He was out of jail before doing his time, even though there were reports that recommended otherwise. Some judge had let him out, just because. The police force of course went to protect the house of that judge from potential angry attacks. That's the kind of justice system that works around here: you rape two girls and are free to go and rape and kill another one, that's ok, we don't care, policemen are too occupied causing abortions and hitting teachers anyway.
The picture of this girl that went viral on social media is one in which she is smiling, so young, so full of life. Her fist up like she's a fighter, and she wears a t-shirt that reads "Ni Una Menos". That is the motto that the feminist fight has adopted in south america against femicides, it means "Not even one woman less". Just looking at that photo is brutal.
I've looked at it a lot, it makes me wanna cry. And it drowns me with fear, this girl, 21 years old, middle class student, went out dancing one night and never came home. She could be me, darling, I could be her. One minute you're there, shouting that you don't want any more women killed, and the next one you're a woman and you're dead.
The same week she disappeared I had these sequence of idiotic misogynist guys hitting on me (not literally, huh) in ways that let so fucking clear that they hated girls who felt free enough to tell them NO.
One said to me "Why are you so pretty? I've been looking at a picture of you, u'know I always wanted for something else to happen between us." and then I said "Sorry, I don't feel the same way. Just being class mates that got along well was enough for me." and he went "I respect that, but I didn't ask for your opinion on the matter." I mean what the fuck? I don't get to have an opinion about my own sex life? I think of that girl being dragged to a car against her will.
This other man that I knew in Tango lessons, I swear to Bowie that he looks about as dangerous as a hobbit. And I mean, he's like fifteen years older than me, wears his keys on a hook on his belt for christ sake, I can't believe that he looks at me and has the delusion that we could be each other's type. But then he starts texting me and he goes on and on about how most women are sluts that want to treat men like dogs. He tells me it would be nice if I wanted to have sex with him even though he is old and doesn't understand relationships that aren't monogamous. He can't stop talking about how he doesn't understand why a girl would want to have sex with multiple guys given that if she does so she can get pregnant of anyone, (and why would she want that instead of being only with him, if he's SUCH A NICE GUY!) Oh, and then he talks to me about the not-so-nice-guys that want to ruin everything you build with a woman by trying to steal her from right under your nose. He says "I saw you and thought that you were an oasis in a desert full of horrible women, because you seem so young, and innocent and naive" and that was too much for me and I cut his crap, told him about everything you've been thinking while you were reading this and probably a little more too. I think of that girl screaming on that field and no one hearing it.
That same weekend an ex of mine started talking to me all nice and interested in my life until he invited me to his house at 10pm to "watch Netflix and eat ice cream" and I said no thanks, then he stopped speaking to me at all. I think of that girl not being able to make any sound anymore.
Those were only three of them, but there were more. There are always more. And those were guys I had been stupid enough to be nice to.
Stupid enough to think I have the right to be friendly with someone I don't want to fuck. Then there are the ones that I will never be stupid enough to get close to. Those who catcall at me on the streets, who make noises like kisses. I wonder how many of them would stop in the middle of sex if their girlfriends asked them to.
I don't leave my house alone at night, but even when I'm walking with two male friends some jerk yells at me from a car "Hey beauty, let's fuck all night long!", my friend he yells back "Go fuck yourself you asshole!" and then he looks at me and says "Woah, see? Shouting on public spaces is a phenomenon purely monopolised by guys. You don't even get the right to insult the imbecile that's molesting you, because he could get off that car and attack you."
We went to a party that night. I wanted to stay longer, but when they went home I went too. Didn't want to go back alone.
When I was about to leave I saw a girl I used to love arriving to the party, walking alone at 3am. I felt so angry at her, because she's so unconscious of the reality she lives in, and I'm so fucking afraid that one day she will not be so lucky. And then I felt so angry at myself, because I know, I know she has all the right in the world to walk around her city alone at any time. So do I. But basic human rights are worth so little in Argentina. Specially if you're a woman.
I have this countdown on the screen of my phone, today it reads "80 days to Europe♥" and sometimes that's the only thing that gets me going. But sometimes the fear that has come back and gained so much power over me takes over and makes me think about all the horrible things that could happen to me if I dare travelling alone (or alone with another girl) in another continent. Somedays even my strongest dreams get contamined by all this darkness.
I don't want to feel like this, darling. Doesn't feel like me. The fear, the horrible, drowning, constant fear is way too familiar, but since my last trip it doesn't feel like a natural part of me anymore. It feels like a fucking invader in my body. Isn't it paradoxical, to fear being raped so much that the fear itself ends up raping me?
The more visible the feminist fight gets here, the more violent the response of those who don't want to lose the confortable position of privilage. I find myself fearing everyone, rejecting everyone, not wanting to risk being nice and end up hurt. I hate it. And I think, sweetheart, that's the real reason I wanted to write to you, to tell you about all of this: Because you're by far the most privileged person I've met in my life. You were born a white european guy, you're beautiful and tall, you're succesful in one of the strongest economies of the world. And therefore, you have all the tools to be a perfect jerk. Yet, you are a good person. You're nice, you understand freedom, you respect it. You are honest, and open minded, and interesting. You could choke me until I could hardly breath and even then I was completely sure I was safe with you.
Even if you never expected to have any kind of impact on my life, even if I didn't have much of an impact on yours, and even if we never see each other again, I think you deserve to know that the fact that you exist gives me hope.
